I’ve always believed that the Holy Spirit uses people to speak Gods messages to us. There have been several times in my past when someone has been talking to me and without knowing, answered a deep, secret-question in my soul. I’ve always believed it, and I shared that belief with Steve. After a few times of it happening to him, he also believed.
Some time after he died, one of my friends came to visit me. She lost a parent when she was only 24, so her insight into losing a loved one has been invaluable to me. Especially where my children are concerned, but also for me.
She was talking about, I don’t remember what exactly, but then she said, “And you’ll come to know that love is a living thing. You’ll feel your love for him grow and continue to be a part of your existence.” At the moment I thought, “I’ve never heard that before. God, I hope it’s true.”
I also have spent a lot of time exploring the internet for wisdom on how to deal with grief, and the common stages that widows go through. I came across an article that listed some common experiences. In the article it said that many people ask their loved one for a sign. They do this because they struggle with them being there one second and then gone the next. I thought, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that.” Its not that I don’t believe its possible for someone’s spirit to reach out to the living. I just know how Steve felt about my belief in the supernatural, and I know he wouldn’t do anything to encourage that in me. Maybe that’s why I can’t feel his presence. I was thinking I can’t feel him because my grief is just too strong right now, and I can’t see past it. Who knows?
Despite all my thoughts right now, I found myself begging him for a sign. I was driving in the car, going to the store, and desperately needed to know that love doesn’t die and that he’s still with me. I begged out loud, “Steve. Just give me a sign! Let me know that you’re still with me and that you still love me.” I learned many years ago that if you ask God for a sign you need to be specific. I thought it would apply here, so I added, “Show me a heart.”
I then started scanning the inside of the car, the road signs, bumper stickers, the clouds. And then I saw a cloud that resembled the top half of a heart. My heart sank. I yelled, “NOT GOOD ENOUGH! It needs to be a full and perfect heart. If you still love me, you’ll show me a perfect heart!”
I then broke down and started sobbing again. My broken heart cracked just a little more with the thought that our love had indeed died and that I would never feel him again.
It is such a hopeless and devastating feeling. Half of me is missing. To you he was a friend, a brother, a son, a cousin. To me he was the puzzle piece that completed my life. He was the logical side of my decisions. He was my protector. He was my tag-team parenting partner. He was my biggest supporter. He was my lover. He was my entertainment. He was my everything. One second, he was here, and the next, he was completely gone. And now I’m only half the person I once was. Now I’m lonely. Now I look forward to someday when I get to leave this life and see him again. God, I hope there is something after this. I can’t fathom to think that I’ll never feel whole ever again. PS—I don’t want to kill myself. I just wish I were dead. My psychologist friends out there will tell you that this is not a suicidal thought.
I’ve been going through boxes and files and drawers that haven’t been opened in years. I’m trying to find every last photo, letter, doodle, anything that was his or represents him. I am collecting “him” from everywhere and caressing, smelling, and cherishing “him.” And that’s when I found it.
It was an envelope on which I had written “Valentines 2003”. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t figure out how something I put in an envelope a year before we moved into this house, about 10 years before we bought the bill filing caddy in which it was contained, could be where it was. What was it and how did it get on top of the desk in the bill file. But then I opened it and poured out all these paper hearts. He had given me a bouquet of roses and daisies (my favorite) for that Valentine’s Day. To each flower he tied one of these paper hearts containing phrases he used to describe how he loves me.
Even you can’t deny that these are perfect hearts. They spell out his love for me. This is my sign! He does still love me. He is still with me. And my love for him has grown bigger.
Messages from the heart:
- I love you because you have passion.
- I love you because you’re teaching me about God.
- I love you because you always have a good reason.
- I love you because you rub my back every night.
- I love you because you make me want to come home to you every day, forever.
- I love you because you crack me up.
- I love you because you’re 5’4”, and your head nestles into my shoulders when we hug.
- I love you because you’re very pretty, and your smile lights me up.
- I love you because you are a great kisser!
- I love you because it keeps getting better now than it ever was.
- I love you because you put up with me, and even sometimes like it!
- I love you because we lie in bed and talk, and connect in the dark.
- I love you because you’re a hot chick in a red truck.
- I love you because you engage me…all the time.
- I love you because we are first in your life.
- I love you because you cook my favorite foods for me. And you do my laundry! Even my Dirty laundry.
- I love you because of Gideon and Annabel.
- I love you because you’re interesting, funny, sweet, sarcastic, uncompromising, sexy, strong, weak, and you complete me.
PS–TMAS Stosh. TMAnotherS…..please.