Heaven Knows

For the past 4 weeks I haven’t “felt” Steve with me. The days have been very dark. At one point I even believed that maybe reincarnation is a real thing and he chose it. He was always very adventurous and loved life, so if it is a real thing, he would jump at the chance for another adventure. I’ve cried a lot in the past weeks. I’ve felt so alone.

At one point I said, out loud, “Steven, if you’re still there please give me a sign. I miss you. I need you. Please still be with me!” Then I struck a bargain, “IF you’re still with me, then give me the sign of Van Morrison’s song Moondance. If I hear that song, or read about it, or someone talks to me about it, then I will know that you are still with me.” That was one of “our” songs. My days continued to be very dark.

Every time I tried to listen to music, my solace, I’d hear songs I didn’t know. It made me feel even lonelier. I’ve always had this connection with music. If I hear music, I have to move my body. I don’t even know I’m doing it. Steve used to love to laugh at me about it. Music reaches so deep within my soul that I can’t listen to it when working. Many people like to have music playing in the background when working. But not me. If I have to concentrate, then the music goes off. I just can’t help moving to the beat, humming harmony when I don’t know the words or singing along if I do. But over the past few weeks, every time I’d listen, I’d get depressed. So I’d turn off the music and cry. My world is very black.

This past Thursday was the darkest. I’m really very good at controlling my emotions around my children. They are hurting so deeply that I try to be their rock, their source of security. Both of my children have told me, at different times, that they are hurting more for me than for themselves. Gideon said, “Mom, you and dad loved each other so much. Your love was the strongest force I’ve ever seen. Your pain must be so terrible. I mourn more for you than I do myself.” Annabel said, “I feel bad because I’m handling this better than you. I loved him, but I know I’ll never find a love as true as the love you and dad had for each other” Yes, I’m paraphrasing. It is so hard to remember word for word when you’re crying at the time you hear them. Thursday was my breaking point of being strong in front of them. Thursday had a lot of tears.

Friday’s start wasn’t much better. I had to handle some big financial stuff all by myself. Stuff that was made nastier because the situation only existed because he died. I could physically feel the weight upon me. It was a struggle to walk into that financial institution. As I sat waiting to be called in I noticed my shoulders were slumping and my back bent. I’m sure I looked as frail as an old widow.  His death has aged me. Afterword, I sat in the car, in the hot parking lot, and fought off the tears. It took more than 10 minutes before I could even attempt to drive away. When I turned on the car, the radio blasted. I didn’t remember it being on. I must have been so distraught diving over, that I didn’t even know it was playing.

It was at the end of a song I didn’t know. But the words caught my attention. I don’t even remember what they were. I just know as I reached to turn it off, the words stopped me. The song was ending and as I looked at the radio, to see what song was playing (yes, my car actually prints the song title and artist right there on the radio, as do most newer cars), I saw the next song title pop up, and my breath halted. “Heaven Knows” by Donna Summer. Simultaneously, I heard that voice in my head, the one that isn’t my voice. It said, “Nancy, I’m with you.” I shuttered and shook off the feeling. That voice in my head that is me said, “It’s not him. You’re just imagining.” Then I started listening to the words:

Baby please, please don’t take your love from me
I am yours for ever more, ’till eternity
Silently please, listen to the words I say
I’m not talking just for play, listen to me please

Heaven knows it’s not the way it should be
And heaven knows it’ s not the way it could be
Don’t you know there’s no need to leave
Heaven knows I never want to leave you
Heaven knows I only want to please you
Don’t you know love is what I need

Down inside, don’t get caught with foolish pride
Blow the other things aside, its only you and me
Believe in us, we were always meant to be
Me for you and you for me, ’till eternity

Heaven knows it’s not the way it should be
And heaven knows it’s not the way it could be
And don’t you know there’s no need to leave
Heaven knows I never want to leave you
Heaven knows I only want to please you
Don’t you know love is what I need

Heaven knows it’s not the way it should be
And heaven knows it’s not the way it could be
And don’t you know there’s no need to leave
Heaven knows it’s not the way it should be
And heaven knows it’s not the way it could be
And don’t you know there’s no need to leave

Songwriters: Giorgio Moroder / Pete Bellotte / Donna Summer

By the time the song ended I was sobbing. In my mind, those two voices were still fighting. Me saying, “It’s not him, it’s me!” The other voice saying, “It’s not you, it’s me!” How can this be. Is it really him? Is this even possible? There I was, sitting in my car, crying hysterically, snot and tears mixing as they dripped down my face. Out loud, I yelled, “I want to believe it’s you. But I can’t. It’s not you. You didn’t believe in this stuff. You always teased me for believing in spirits and contact with those in the afterlife. You never even really believed in an afterlife! It’s not you. It’s not him.”

The very next song was Moondance by Van Morrison.